The Crazy Adventures of Jasper and Emmett at Night
by madeinchina371
Summary: Exactly like the title. Written with lots of details, this story would be a great way to pass a few minutes you would otherwise spend being bored. Like Jasper and Emmett are. Which is why they go on these adventures. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**CAJEN is finally here! If you'd like to betaread for me, let me know. I thought I'd put this up first, before sending it to anybody. So enjoy! (POV obvious, always remains the same)**

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I was sitting on the couch with Emmett. We were very bored. As in, extremely bored. This was due to the undeniably sad fact that Alice and Rosalie, once again, were gone on a two day shopping spree in New York City. So I sat there, on the couch, bored. Very bored.

Extremely bored.

Not only was I bored, but the bored-ness vibes radiating off of Emmett weren't really helping me get over it.

Carlisle and Esme were visiting their beautiful little island off of the coast of Brazil, Bella had taken Renesmee home for the night, and Edward had left to join them only a few minutes ago after a rousing game of backgammon. At least, Edward had considered it rousing. What kind of person actually likes backgammon anyway? Though, by the feel of his emotions as he departed, he was probably doing something a lot more rousing and a sight bit more fun than playing games with his brothers.

"Honestly, Emmett, with our wives gone, there is absolutely nothing to do at night."

"I agree."

We sat there for a few more minutes contemplating our situation, Emmett faking a yawn every now and then.

"So, what do you want to do?" I asked him.

"I don't know. Something. Anything."

I racked my large, vampire brain for something that would amuse us that we hadn't done in a while. Emmett turned on the television, but rather than disturb my deep thoughts with some loud cartoon, he put on a boring news show so that I wouldn't be distracted. The new caster announced the playing of some lethargic, hebetudinous speech made by the president earlier that day. Deep in my line of thought, I barely registered what he was saying.

Then, suddenly, his suit caught my eye.

And a tedium reducing plan was born.

"Emmett," I slowly began, "how opposed are you to breaking into a government building?"

Emmett chuckled softly in anticipation for what I would tell him. "Not opposed at all, little brother."

"Little brother? I'm older than you by more than thirty years, Emmett." I raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"Yes but I'm the bigger one. Physically."

"Right." Whatever you say, Emmett.

"So! Why are we going to be breaking into a government building?" he asked, anticipation once again his dominant emotion. A grin spread across my face, and an answering one swept across my brother's.

"I'll let you know on the way to DC."

We decided against airline tickets and so instead went with flat out running as a means of transportation. I knew Bella and Edward would be occupied for the rest of the night, and hopefully no one would be attempting to contact us until we returned sometime tomorrow morning. We figured that Alice and Rosalie would also be leaving us alone, due to Alice's fortunate ability to see the future. Knowing her, she had probably known about our adventure the minute she and Rose decided to leave us alone for the weekend. So we set off at breakneck speed, hoping to reach the nation's capital as soon as possible.

We arrived some short time later and sped through the city, coming upon the White House fairly easily. The White House has superior amounts of security, but their outdated security systems were no match for a vampire mind. That is, if we needed to disable them, which we didn't, being vampires and all.

We stood just inside the entrance to the building, in an alcove we knew was hidden from the cameras. Emmett whispered in my ear quietly, quickly. "Big Bear to Leo, Big Bear to Leo. Do you know where the President is supposed to sleep? Over."

Oh. I hadn't thought about that. "Um, that would be a negative." Emmett sat looking at me expectantly for a while. When I didn't say anything, he grew annoyed. "Jasper, please say 'over' when you finish talking. Over."

I rolled my eyes. Emmett could be very annoying sometimes. I sent excitement vibes rolling towards him, hoping to override the annoyance and amp up the readiness to pull a prank. But unfortunately for me, when Emmett decided we had to follow certain procedures, there was nothing in the world that could make his stubborn obsession with correctness fade. Except for Rosalie, of course. So it was basically easier to just go along with it. "No, I don't know where the President sleeps. Over."

We decided to split up and search for the President's bedroom. We roamed around without direction for a couple of minutes. Eventually the room was found by Emmett. Apparently the entrance was hidden in some secret way and I couldn't seem to figure out how to enter.

"Did you figure it out yet? Over." Obviously not! Lord, was my brother ever annoying.

"No."

"No…what? Over." I was literally going to beat him with a tree when I finally got in.

"No. Over."

"Okay, Jasper, I'm going to tell you how to get in. Over."

Was he kidding? He had to be joking. "Why would you sit here and watch me struggle when you could have just told me all along?"

There was a silence for a moment, as if Emmett were waiting for something. Then quietly: "Didn't copy that. Over." He was taking this too far.

"I said, why would you sit here and watch me struggle to get in instead of just telling me how? OVER."

"Oh, that's better, I can here you now. Over. Did you figure it out yet? Over."

"You know, you're a jackass. For the record, I'm going to beat you with a tree when this is over."

"When this is what, Jazz? Over."

"I said, I'm going to beat you with a tree when this is over," I explained, fuming.

"When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over."

"That's it. My sentence is over."

"Your sentence is what, Jasper. Over."

"My sentence is – Wait, I have to say 'over' even when the sentence ends in the world 'over'?" It was becoming extremely difficult to concentrate on the puzzling secret passageway.

"Ends with the word, what, Jasper? Over."

A new path to Emmett suddenly became clear to me. "Oh, I see how to get in now."

"See how to get in now, what? Over."

I formed a fist, pulled back my arm, and let it snap gently forward into the wall, effectively crushing it to dust. I grabbed Emmett by his lapels (against my better judgment; I knew full well the tongue-lashing Alice would give me if I ruined his shirt). Hauling him upwards before he could react, I threw the giant bodily over my head.

"OVERRRRR!!"

Luckily for me, I had kept my head enough to remember not to scream. I whisper-shouted the word, knowing it had been loud enough for Emmett to understand that I was screaming at him. Thankfully I had also remembered not to throw him too far, as he would surely have cracked the marble floors.

Unfortunately, these precautions ensured that Emmett was back on his feet in 1/64th of a second. But at least it let me vent my frustration a bit.

Emmett chuckled. "We have a job to do, Little Brother. We can wrestle later."

He was right. I glared at him petulantly before sighing and leading the way into the President's apartments.

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**Comments, any at all, are dearly accepted, most welcome, and crazily revered, not to mention coveted. Like? Dislike?Reviewers get thirty minutes alone with vampire of your choice (or werewolf, should you be so inclined) to do with whatever you wish.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Finally! The chapter is up. I'm so excited, as I'm sure you all are as well. Thanks to my amazing beta, Elli (penname: vampiresquebite). Go read her stuff! It's really good.**

**So anyways, here it is! Thanks to all my amazing reviewers: so many after one chapter! I've tried to take all your suggestions into consideration.**

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I stealthily led the way into the President's apartments. This was the most important part of our plan, and it needed to be executed perfectly. The other aspects of our plan were only minor bugs in the scope of things, obsolete and unnecessary if we didn't succeed now. I quickly reminded Emmett as such.

"Oh, thanks, that takes all the pressure off now. Really helpful, Jazz," he commented sarcastically. He really needed to remember that I was an empath. It got annoying sometimes when the rest of my family forgot.

"Emmett, you're dead excited and you know it."

"You know it and I know it."

"Exactly." I smiled at him. Finally, some relief.

"You know it and I know it, and I know that you know it. And of course, you know that I know that you know it. And I know that you know that I know that you know it, otherwise I couldn't have possibly correctly made that last statement."

What? My smile turned into a grimace.

Never mind. We had a job to do. Focus, Jasper. And stop talking to yourself.

I peered around me in the darkness, obviously able to see everything as if it were daytime (due to my enhanced abilities). We flitted into the bedroom of the President's apartments and stood for a fraction of a second, analyzing our surroundings. I filed away the details of the room: the President and his wife slumbering stupidly on the bed, the flicker on the walls from the fire in the anteroom creating shadowy spirits on the floor, the door to the closet to my right, the distracting Spongebob Squarepants nightlight flashing through a series of colors (wait…what?), and the alarm clock glaring the time on a nightstand--Just to name a few.

Emmett opened his mouth to speak, but I gave him a look and he shut it quickly. I was in the zone, and would not let some rude remark made by him ruin the game for me.

Emmett disabled the alarm as I flew to the closet-room-space. Honestly, it was a ridiculous thing, bigger even than Bella and Edward's giant boudoir. If only the countries tax-payers knew where their hard-earned money was _really_ going. Disgusting.

I started gathering up as much of the clothing hanging up in there as I could and ran to the fire in the anteroom, dumping them into the crackling flames. I made several trips back and forth (the President really had waaaay too many suits). On my last pass through the bedroom I made sure to unplug the stupid looking nightlight and toss it into the fire as well. Emmett closed the door gently after the last of the suits made their way into the fireplace. Humans had a horrible sense of smell, but surely even they would notice if a great deal of smoke were to suddenly clog their noses. The air-conditioning vent above the president and First Lady's heads would provide all the fresh air they needed, and hopefully the smoke wouldn't be noticed until it was too late for the prank to fall through.

There's nothing more thorough than a vampire pulling a prank.

We then proceeded into the main hall of the White House, keeping the silence between us.

I broke the silence easily. "Alright, you start messing with the cell phones and digital clocks, and Ill take the analogs."

We broke off in opposite directions. Running had always possessed a great joy for me, though I was perhaps not as excited by it as Edward usually is. My fluffy hair blew all around my face, whipping into my eyes but not hindering my sight. I sped along the empty halls of the perhaps most famous government building, stopping at every clock I saw and turning the time back three hours. It took me exactly ten minutes and thirty-nine seconds to turn every clock back, check to make sure I had gotten all of them, and then double check. Just in case. Everything had to be perfect.

I sat down to wait, a marble sculpture in the midst of marble columns, discernable from the various white statues surrounding me only by the clothes I wore.

I listened to the sounds around me, felt the floor beneath. I inhaled deeply and scents rushed into my body, interpreted by my brain and given various names that I absentmindedly translated into different languages in another part of my brain. I meditated, letting go of all my senses, concentrating soley on my emotions. I closed my eyes, breathing slowly and evenly.

Something suddenly barreled into my consciousness and one one-hundredth of a second later, the same monstrosity barreled into my side, knocking the wind out of me.

"EMMETT!" I roared furiously. He was really getting on my nerves. He knnnnnew not to interrupt my me-time!

He laughed uproariously, doubling over and wheezing uncontrollably. I stared at him darkly, trying to convey my temporary extreme hate. I also tried to make him feel guilty, but the humor radiating off of him was too much to resist. My mouth twitched, and in a second I was joining him in his merriment, rolling around on the floor. I attempted to contain him (as well as myself) but I just couldn't concentrate. It was too funny!

The sound of footsteps reached my ears. I froze immediately, and Emmet sensed my distress almost as if he were the one who could feel others' emotions. We stood frozen for a moment, listening as the guard radioed his colleagues. His footsteps echoed through the deserted hallways, growing louder with each one he took.

We looked at each other and a thought passed through Emmett's eyes to mine in a moment of wordless communicaion. It was then that instinct took over, instinct that has plagued both human and vampires alike, an instinct born in all animals, alive since the beginning of time.

It was not fear of the guard that triggered this instinct, oh no. Rather, it was fear of what would happen should we get caught. And it wasn't fear of the humans, either. It was the fear of vampires who would be furious with us. Not the Volturi, not Carlisle, but rather, our wives.

We turned in perfect synchronization, and for the first time in history, two vampires ran for their lives.

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**hope you liked it! You can always let me know via review. If you didn't hear of this through my other story, **_**No Talking! Write it Down. :-D**_** than you should go check it out. I update every day and it's a great pick-me-up.**


	3. Chapter 3

We zipped down the hall as only vampires could. The guard made no attempt to follow us; it had probably looked like Emmett and I had simply disappeared. I could feel his surprise quickly change into confusion as he no doubt decided he had hallucinated. In fact, even as far away as we were by then , I could hear him muttering about taking the night shift and vowing to request a different shift.

Emmett chuckled heartily. We were both slightly giddy from the experience of nearly being caught.

We ran home quickly, excited to witness the results of our prank.

Our journey home started out fine, but quickly turned sour on my part. Emmett had somehow acquired a joke book, which he had read through in about 35.6 seconds flat. I didn't understand why he bought it at all; I would have just perused it at the book store.

So about five minutes after we had left Washington DC, the torture began.

"Hey Jasper."

"Hey, Emmett."

"How does a farmer fix a hole in his overalls?"

"What?" This made no sense.

"I saiiiiiiiid, how does a farmer fix a hole in his overalls?"

"I don't know, Emmett. Is there a point to this question?"

He sighed heavily like I was missing something. "Noooooo. Jasper. How does a farmer fix a hole in his overalls?"

Oh. Ok. A joke. "How?"

"With a cabbage patch!" And with that he howled with laughter. Birds exploded out of the treetops and howls could be heard from miles around. I frowned at my brother. "Come on. You've scared every animal within five hundred miles out of their wits. And it wasn't even a good joke!"

Emmett's previous humor abruptly switched to shock. "What?! How can you say that? It was the best joke ever!"

Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say, Emmett.

"Uh huh. If you say so, Emmett."

He pouted, still not satisfied with my response. I sighed and turned my gaze forward, watching my path.

We continued on in an amicable silence for a few minutes. The moon was still in the sky, a round, glowing orb full of pockmarks that could only be describes as resembling the scarred face of a teenager who had a bad bout of acne in his/her youth. I swept a peaceful calm over the two of us. After a half an hour or so of this, I relaxed my hold on the giant's emotions…which immediately snapped back to impatient and excited.

"Hey! Jasper!"

Ugh. I didn't feel like talking right now. Especially not to Emmett. I missed Alice, her sweet, playful nature. Emmett's gruff, coarse humor was beginning to drain me. "What?"

"What do you call a man with two left feet?"

Not another one! "Fiiiine. What?"

" Whatever the hell you want! If he tries to chase you, he'll just keep running in circles!" And with that he laughed so hard the earth began to quake beneath me. A tree in our path crashed in front of us with a monstrous 'boom'. The tree, being one of those ancient monsters that has probably been around since the dawn of time, made quite a mess as it fell. Dirt flew everywhere, and clumps of grass jumped into my hair. I looked down at my silk shirt and paled (well, I would have paled had I been human). My attempts to brush of the dirt only succeeded in ingraining it further into the weave of the soft gray silk.

No. This could not be happening. It was inconceivable. There was dirt on my shirt? Alice had given it to me! This was utterly and unmitigatedly unacceptable. My vision turned red, and I turned my gaze from the harrumphing vampire speeding beside me.

I stopped running suddenly, and Emmett whizzed past me a few thousand feet before he realized I wasn't with him. He loped lazily back to me, taking his time. His slowness only annoyed me further as I waited the long few seconds for him to cross the distance between us.

He jammed his hands in his pockets and whistled a snatch of tuneless song as he drew nearer. I quivered with rage at his insolent behavior. Did he not understand what would happen if someone happened to see us? How was anyone going to explain how that tree had fallen? Who the hell let him read a joke book? And why, oh WHY did he have to ruin my shirt?

He continued sauntering over to me as if he hadn't a care in the world. Almost a whole ten seconds had passed since the tree fell, but my rage was akin to a fiery pit of hell that had been flaming in existence for thousands of millennia.

I watched as his eyes flickered around my body, filing away my tension and facial expression. I'm sure he noticed my hands quivering. I honestly felt like I was about to burst. Somewhere in the back of my head a thought bubbled up: _I wonder if this is what the werewolves feel like when they're about to shape shift…_

When he was twenty feet away from me I sprang. Before any conscious thought my feet were off the ground and I was soaring through the air, a pale blur against the black night sky to any with vision weaker than that of a vampire's. I darted to the fallen ancient tree and before Emmett could react, seized him by the scruff of the neck, picked up the tree with the other hand, and proceeded to use it as a hammer for pounding Emmett into the ground. When I was done, the tree was standing back in it's original hole, only slightly crooked.

I heard Emmet's muffled cries from under the ground. The tree shook a little, once, twice, and then a third time before settling into place. I heard earth churning beneath me as my bear of a sibling supposedly attempted to burrow his way out. I dusted off my hands and ignored his pitiful escape attempts, proceeding down my path as if this whole little interlude hadn't just happened. I think I might have even skipped a little.

A small smile drifted across my face. I would be home in a matter of hours, if not less, and soon after Alice would arrive. I could wait till then, and once she got here everything would be fine. She was my angel, my everything, my wonderful, breathtaking, gorgeous, unmitigatedly awesome, preeminent Alice.

And best of all, she was mine.


	4. Chapter 4

Alice, Alice, Alice, I chanted inside my head. She was the only thought occupying my head as I zoomed through the countryside, passing state lines, clambering over mountains, leaping gracefully over rivers. She was my beauty. My everything. My world.

It was about three o'clock in the morning when my thoughts drifted off to other subjects. Edward and Bella would surely still be at their antics for at least a few more hours. I slowed to a light jog, and cruised along on autopilot at about sixty miles an hour. The thought of the emotions that would bombard me if I returned to the mansion now was not a comforting one. (This is a little confusing - the wording, I mean. Eh.) Experiencing emotions such as that was not my idea of fun. At least, not when they were someone else's emotions. When those particular emotions emitted from Alice, however...well, that's a whole different ball game.

Ball game. Baseball. James. Snacks. Mmm, snacks. I wonder if Florida panthers taste much different than mountain lions? I checked my watch. 3:02. I reviewed my travels in my head, and calculated that I was probably about a hundred miles into Wyoming from the western border of Nevada. I slowed to a stop and froze, closing my eyes and sniffing the air around me. I smelled a deep, tangy scent a bit off to my right and skipped 10 miles north to come upon a giant herd of buffalo. Ooh, buffalo.

What did I know about buffalo? I must have read an article on them somewhere...

A full gown adult male buffalo is about six feet tall, and weighs around 2000 pounds. Technically, American buffaloes are not in fact buffaloes, but bison. But no one really cares about that. In 1889 there were less than 1000 buffaloes in North America, and they were given endangered species status. Awww. Damn. Oh, wait, no! Today they are no longer on the endangered species list, as they number over 350,000 and the population continues to increase over time.

Thank you Wikipedia. (Hah!)

I settled into a hunting crouch and circled around the giant herd, coming in from the north-east so the wind wouldn't blow my scent their way. I tensed, about to strike.

CAUSE EVERY TIME WE TOUCH, I GET THIS FEELING

AND EVERY TIME WE KISS I SWEAR I COULD FLY

CAN'T YOU FEEL MY HEART BEAT FAST

I WANT THIS TO LAST

I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE

(I had to go listen to this song after I finished reading. It's going to be stuck in my head all day now. :P)

What the hell? Someone must have changed my ringtone. The herd scattered, frightened by the noise. Well, that ruined my fun. I sighed, annoyed, and plucked my cell phone from my shirt pocket.

"What?" I snapped. Whoever was calling was going to pay.

"Hey, J-Dog! Wazzup witchu?" Emmett's voice echoed in the flat plains, sounding slightly muffled.

"EMMETT! What the hell!"

"Hey. So. I need your help." Yes, there was definitely something weird sounding about his voice. I remained silent.

"Um, yeah. I'm in a bit of a pickle," he said with a nervous chuckle at the silly expression. I still didn't say anything. I was thoroughly pissed.

Emmett cleared his throat. "So, yeah. Um, so you know how you buried me under the tree, right? Well, uh, I can't get out. I'm in a cave right now."

Ah. That explained why his voice sounded so flat.

"I dug a tunnel and I guess it ended up under a riverbed, so I'm kinda stuck under twenty feet of solid limestone."

So? "Break through it."

"Uh, yeah, see, that's the problem. I can't. I can feel through the vibrations that there are a few houses or buildings along the riverbank, and if I break it they'll all flood or sink into the river."

Huh. Not my problem. "I don't see why you called me."

"I need your help!"

"Nuh huh. You've completely ruined most of my night. I'm going to use the rest of it to entertain myself, and that most certainly does NOT include helping you get out from under a riverbed." And with that I snapped my phone shut and turned it off. Alice had the number to my special cell phone, the one that only received calls from her.

I sat down right where I was and pondered my dilemma. I was still hungry, but no longer in the mood for buffalo. I checked my watch again. 3:05. Hmm...were Florida panthers endangered?

My special-Alice-phone vibrated in my pocket. She was talking as soon as I had the speaker next to my ear.

"Jasper, I really can't talk right now but I just wanted to let you know that it would really not be a good idea to go to Florida right now. Just trust me. Okay I gotta go but I love you so much have fun getting into shenanigans with Emmett kay love you bye." The line went dead.

Wow.

I let out a low whistle. That was quick even for Alice, considering I didn't even get a word in. But Florida was out of the picture now. What was I supposed to do for the rest of the night? Ugh, I was sooo boreeed.

I grudgingly turned north-west and started to run again, heading home. At least there was TV. Maybe, if Emmett got out before the whole spectacle started, we could take bets on the reaction. All we had to do was keep the channel tuned to CNN...

Ooh! An elk! I sprang mid-stride and leapt onto his back, wary of the antlers. I fed quickly, not caring if blood splattered on my already dirty shirt.

As I fed I thought about Emmett. About how annoyed with him I was. About how he had ruined my night. About how he had started this whole thing anyways, by suggesting that the girls go shopping in New York. About how I wanted to pound him into a pulp.

About how I wanted to decapitate him and send each individual body part to a different country on this Earth. (Wow oh wow. A bit violent, aren't we?)

I finished and headed home once again. And as I ran, I plotted revenge.

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**So this chapter is a bit of a filler, I know. Sorry. When I sat down to write today, that's just what came out. I know it's not as good as the others, but it *will* get better. **

**Also, if anyone else here is reading my other story, I made an announcement that I've decided to end it after 100 chapters. **


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